Thursday, May 04, 2006

Pen Planning

Do you ever wonder why free pens always work the best? I mean, sure, the pens that I go out and actually buy at the store are used until the bitter end. (Which occurs very rapidly. I'm like the serial murderer of the pen-world, none are safe from my verbose-ness!) But nothing beats a free pen.

Honestly, I swear it's true, they are more comfortable and they last longer, plus I get that little tingling feeling of my inner Scrooge doing a happy dance every time I use something that I had to spend exactly zero cents on. I think I've figured out why this phenomenon occurs, however.

This morning in class I had whipped out my Lexapro pen to draft out my next exercise when, amid the sleep deprivation and hunger and general finals horridness, I found myself wondering what exactly Lexapro does and whether it could help me in any way. By the end of the class I was fully ready to leap into the world of prescription drugs without a backwards glance and it was only after a long hard look in the vaguely reflective windows that I could back myself away from the idea.

It revealed to me, however, the inner workings of the free pen industry.

See, they figure if the pen is comfortable enough to get the pen user addicted and long lasting enough for the pen user to have it around for a long while, eventually there will be a weak moment in their life when whatever is on the outside of that pen looks absolutely fascinating. It's a carefully planned long-range attack system upon the consumer populace and I would be horrified if it wasn't so delightfully evil that I can only watch in awe.

In conclusion, am I planning on not using free pens anymore? Heck no! In fact, I plan on getting in contact with a pen company very shortly to see how much they can fit on the barrel of a pen. I figure that if I get those huge, child-crayon sized ones I may be able to fit the first few sentences of my work on one. Then, after I flood the publishing houses with my free pens, all I have to do is wait until an editor has a frazzled day and determines that the few sentences on his amazing free pen are the beginnings of the next great American novel.

After that it's a one-way ticket to easy street.

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